Doubt and memory（疑问和记忆）

PS：There is no need to hold a translator to translate, because there is a translator behind.（不需要捧着翻译来翻译，因为后面有翻译。）

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Ren Xin Yao, or Ren Jiahui? What happened then? Why am I called Ren Xinyao instead of Ren Jiahui? How did my parents get my name through competition?

Or, my name didn't come through competition? "I don't know this." Grandma died of a heart attack when I was four or five years old. Was it a coincidence that my mother went to a psychiatric hospital when I was five or six years old, or what? Why is mother insane? Because of what?

"My mother gave birth to me, my mother didn't give birth to me, that is, before I was born, my mother's spirit was not so normal. So ... "

I'm a disaster. Take my grandmother for example. My grandmother died of a heart attack when I was four or five years old. My mother went to a mental hospital after my grandmother (with a high probability). My grandfather suffered from cerebral thrombosis and cerebral infarction in 2019. Can't move. You have to eat through a tube. Grandma (pro) is in hospital, there is no news, and I don't know whether she is alive or dead. "I'm afraid' what survived' is the best way to describe me."

任xy，还是，任jh？

当时发生了什么？

我为什么会叫任芯瑶，而不是任佳慧？

当初父亲母亲是怎么通过竞争来取得我的名字？

还是说，我的名字没有通过竞争而来？

“这点，我无从得知”

奶奶是我四五岁的时候因为心脏病发作而逝

母亲在我五六岁的时候去的精神科医院

是巧合，还是什么？母亲为什么精神不正常？是因为什么？

“母亲生下我，也就是我未出生之前，精神就不咋正常。所以……”

我是个灾星

就拿奶奶来说

奶奶在我四五岁的时候因心脏病去世

母亲在奶奶后去的精神科医院（大概率是这样）

爷爷在2019年，因为脑血栓，脑梗。不能走，靠管子进食。

姥姥（亲）住院，没有消息，不知道生死

“不配活，不应活”

“苟延残喘的东西”

恐怕最用来形容我了吧？

PS：Don't doubt whether what I said is true or not. These things are true.（不要怀疑我说的是真是假。这些事情是真的。）

“Sometimes I really want to die! But I dare not do it.”（有时候真的想死！但是我不敢这么做。）

“只希望自己可以活的久远一些——可这基本不可能了。”

“真怕有一天控制不住拿把锋利的东西就往致命位置砍了。”

“不知道自己是否可以活到成年。”

“我是否可以活到老呢？”

PS：如果我真的一两年一两年的不在线，请忘了我吧，就当没有我这个人。

“最后，读者身心健康，不要像我一样，颓废不堪。”

以上。2022.11.21.22:17